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First thank you for listening - God bless you!
My husband and I had been married for a little over 5 years when I found out that he was unfaithful. Let me give you some background......After our first year of marriage I was saved and he was not. I continued to invite him to services and tried to get him to be involved with me and the children at Calvary. He always resisted by saying he was "tired" or "it's just not my thing" or made up some other excuse not to go with us. It was a rough 3 years leading up to me finding out about his infidelity. During that time I felt very resentful toward him because of the way he acted and treated our children and family and even his OWN family! He was rude, arrogant and very judgmental. Nobody wanted to be around him, especially my children and me. After I found out, I felt almost relieved because I felt that the marriage was over long before I found out about his infidelity. He was not the man I had fallen in love with and I was faced with a tough decision: 1) Do I try to salvage what has been dead for years and disobey God's marriage plan or 2) should I choose to work things out and try to bring him to the LORD with this trial?
I spoke with the "other woman" to get her side of the story and things didn't match up at all times but were pretty consistent with his story. Come to find out that he would see her during his lunch hour or leave work early to see her, never was he not at home. I threw a curve ball one day and had him call her while I listened. I needed him to end it -- I feel that this was closure for me and for her. When we decided to sit and talk about it he said that he felt lonely and that he needed me to tell him "I love you" constantly and pay more attention to him. He said that I was always too busy for him with the kids or cleaning or doing something else. My feelings were that he was lazy and distant from all of us which made me feel VERY un-attracted to him. I felt that I had fallen out of love with him long before I found out about the infidelity. I used to try and invite him to do things with us but he never wanted to and if he did decide to go, he had a frown the whole time and made rude comments. The truth of the matter was we had fallen out of love with each other and became very distant.
We have 2 children (a teenager and a toddler) who need us to parent them and I find it hard to find a balance. I feel that my husband is a grown man and he should understand that he is not the ONLY thing that requires attention. I also feel that he needs to study the Word more often to see how and what his responsibilities as the head of the household are. There are so many responsibilities that I have, God always comes first, then my marriage, my children and I also work a full-time job. I just can't seem to find a balance, but I feel that if I don't pay attention to him, he will stray again.
It's been about 6 months since I found out and we have been bickering and arguing a lot lately and I suggested counseling for the 4th time. He says he will do it, but I feel that he needs to show me just as much as I have shown him that he wants this marriage to work. I have suggested to him to try to set up the sessions and he hasn't done anything yet (it's been 3 weeks since my last reminder).
I feel like we are going backward instead of forward and I feel like I am doing ALL the work to keep the marriage going and he is doing nothing. I feel defeated, tired and worn. No matter how much I pray I continue to have bad thoughts or reservations about him and what his real intentions are. I want to do what is right. He is falling back into his old arrogant and selfish ways little by little. I try gentle nudges and he disregards them, so I hold it in and then I feel backed into a corner and I explode. I don't like the person that I am becoming because of this situation. What can I do to help him understand that he is wearing me thin? I'm starting to get that feeling of un-attraction and resentment towards him again. Any advice is much appreciated and any referrals are also much appreciated.
With many blessings-
Submitted on Sunday, March 24, 2013 | Comments (1) | Submit a Comment
Dear Worn Thin,
Read 1 Corinthians 7:10-16. Balance verse 15 with the rest of the text and make an appointment to see one of the Monday night biblical counselors. If your husband agrees to go, wonderful! If not, go to the appointment and see what wisdom you may gather to bring balance to your life and about feeling that you have "fallen out of love." As you know, love is not a feeling that we fall out of, it is a commitment whether we feel it or not.
Focus on your relationship with the Lord, how you can balance your time most efficiently, and not become subject to feelings of false guilt. Over time, your husband may come around as the text indicates. Or, if he is an unbeliever and he insists on leaving, you may let him go.
However, I strongly urge you to gain some accountability from one of the Monday night counselors so you are not tempted to drive your husband away out of feelings of resentment.
May His grace encourage and strengthen you,